Opinions of a murri woman...

Opinions of a murri woman...

Friday, November 16, 2012

Change gone come...


It seems like only yesterday that I was faced with the biggest challenge of my life; the sudden death of my mother and then the huge decision to raise my little brother by myself... 

1 year and 11 months have passed since my mother’s death... People I talk to say ‘Wow, has it been almost 2 years already, that’s gone by fast’, but for me it hasn’t... Time has dragged out a painful process, a painful wait, and a few painful life lessons for me to learn in these past few years... It’s gone fast for those who knew my mum, who know me... They say I’ve done a great job and that they’re proud of me for ‘all I’ve sacrificed’ and done for my brother and myself and year I guess I’m proud of myself and then sometimes I think, ‘HOW THE HELL ARE YOU STILL LIVING??’.... 

Death’s a funny thing, it makes you see who the most important people are in your life, it makes you review the direction your going in, makes you question what kind of person you are and where your life is going.... See, for my friends and my family, my mum’s death was sad and tragic, it was a huge loss to them and hard for people to swallow... One minute she was here, and the next she was gone... Their grief and sorrow lasted a while but eventually life goes back to normal, people function again, the hurt starts to heal and life goes on.... For me though, my mother’s death has changed every aspect of my life and nothing has changed for me.... 

I’m not longer a ‘me’... I’m an ‘Us’... Me and my bro... He’s my best friend, my headache, my stress, my world, my joy and the biggest responsibility from now until I die... See the grief and sorrow of my mother’s death didn’t just go away, 1 year and 11 months later and I am still faced with her loss everyday... Her departure from this planet meant a brand new life for me... One that I don’t regret but one that I still do not understand... The realities of her death face me every day and have done for almost 2years and continue to do so... 

People say I’m a strong woman but to tell the truth, I’m the weakest I’ve ever been... I don’t feel like I’ve progressed in my life in this past 2 years unlike those around me... My friends and family all have great jobs, direction, goals, compared to me who has been stuck in this life that I wasn’t expecting... How do you get out of such a rut and continue to smile and live everyday... Well the answer is sometimes I just didn’t... Not having a job and not working because you live in a rural town where your industry and jobs in general are limited does something to your spirit... I’m not used to doing nothing, I’m used to succeeding, having a purpose, achieving goals... I’m not used to sitting around wondering when and how I can escape this overwhelmingly suffocating space and situation... 

To this day, I haven’t received one piece of counseling or one bit of doctor’s advice about the struggles I face on a daily basis... Yeah I’ve talked to my friends and a few family members, but at the end of the day, it’s me who deals with my situation every single day and it’s only me who can deal with it so why burden someone else who can’t REALLY help me... The help I need is a change of situation, a change of scenery, a job, a new start and a fresh mind... 

In a dark room, in my bed a month ago, I laid there and sobbed my heart out for 2 whole days... I didn’t function, didn’t eat, didn’t get out of bed and couldn’t for the life of me bring myself to stop crying... Chronic depression had a grip on me and the build up of the last two years and the constant feelings of being trapped in this life that isn’t going anywhere finally got to me... See, it’s been a roller coaster of emotions, one day I will be fine and then BOOM, something sets it off and it feels like the whole world is on my shoulders... I’ve never dealt with this kind of depression, this level of darkness, so when I go down, I GO DOWN!! On that dark day in my dark room, I pleaded and begged for a change and knew that this was the very bottom, this is where things have to change... 

The day that I’ve been waiting on for the past 2 years is almost upon me... When the tears dried, my head cleared and options from generous family and friends were thrown at me, I decided to take one and make the decision to move my brother and I to Brisbane in the New Year... A goal, a direction, that’s all I’ve wanted in this past year, and I’ve finally got a plan into place... All I had to do was ask.... I had to do it, because I could feel my state of mind slowly slipping away from me and felt if I stayed here any longer that I'd be no good for myself and therefore no good for my brother.... Change gone come and it had too...

The plan has flaws, and will no doubt change but getting out of this town and away from this stand still life is the first priority and I’m hoping once I make that change, the universe will be good to me and everything else will fall into place easier... 

I’ve spent the last month packing and sorting our stuff... Even after 2 years, my mum’s belongings just never seem to end... I’m packing up, selling everything and moving with only a few boxes and my bro and dog and we’re getting outta here... Luckily I have the love and support of my beautiful Aunty who has been generous enough to let us stay with her till I hopefully find a job and get on my feet in the following months of moving down... 

As I said, it’s the people who go out of their way to help lift or carry the burden or do the smallest of things to help ease the struggle that makes all the difference in my life... Those that don’t, well you know where you stand... So for that Aunty Wen, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, you will never know the level of gratitude I will have for you for changing our lives and taking 2 years worth of struggle off my back... I cannot wait to spend time with you in a matter of weeks... 

It hasn’t really sunk in that this part of my life is coming to an end that I’ll be leaving my home town and having no home to come back too once I leave... Before mum passed, home was always here and I always had a base... Once I leave, that feeling of security will be gone and it’ll be all on me... Living on our traditional country and leaving it will be hard, that connection is always so strong and something I long for when I'm away but something I know that will always be here for me and my brother to return too... 

This house that my mum took her last breath in, that my cousins and I all grew up in will no longer be ours and the memories will fade, just like the grief... But I know in my hearts of hearts that the timing is right and that my mum, if she were alive, would never want to see me laying in my bed everyday drowning in my own sorrow because I feel trapped... I know she would wish for me every opportunity, every bit of sunshine and happiness and although this place is home, it will always be here for us to come back and visit, but for now, it’s time to change my life along with my brother’s... 

My brother is excited and secretly nervous about moving from the only life he’s ever known, to the city life, but I know he’ll adjust and be fine once he settles in and makes friends... He’ll miss the Murri way of life here in North Queensland, he’ll miss going fishing and swimming in our fresh water creeks surrounded by rainforest, and the memories he has of growing up here with our mum and family, but he’ll also cherish the new memories we will make together as brother and sister/guardian and teenager...

With every negative there is a positive, and out of all the shit I’ve had to injure this past 2 years, I’m ready to get back to living instead of just existing... 2013, I can’t wait to meet you with a fresh mind and an open heart... Bring it on....

Until then, 

One life, One Love

Cee x

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Case Of Their Exes......


Men and me... I don’t know what it is about me, but I just can’t seem to catch a break with the opposite sex... 

I’m going to be completely blunt and say what the f*ck is up with men and their ex/baby momma dramas? My friends get so frustrated with me because when I meet a new guy there’s always a ‘but’ to it... ‘He’s really nice, but... He’s sweet and funny and good looking but... ‘He treats me respectfully, he understands my commitments, but’.... There’s always a damn story attached to these guys and it’s not just the odd one that’s got dramas, it’s deadest every single one that I meet... 

I’m 27, I have the most baggage of anyone I know and will admit that... I have trust issues, I’m not really affectionate, I don’t really fall in love too quickly and to be honest, I’ve been single for that long, all I know how to do is play the field and aren’t usually satisfied... I always have options... That doesn’t mean I have a different guy over every night, far from it, it just means I don’t just have one guy on my radar... Experience has taught me that if you have a backup plan, your heart won’t hurt as much if the first option falls through... Yes, how very male of me... Seeing as I’ve lived this single life for so long, it’s hard for me to break out of this mentality and quite frankly, why should I with today’s ‘Men Climate’... If anything, I feel I’m one of the lucky females because I know the single game and play it quite well...

I guess what I’m trying to say is, at my age, I can’t expect to meet a man who has no baggage or some sort of drama attached to him... Everybody has got a past, but there comes a point where you get that fed up with being the rebound girl or the girl before the next girl... 

Why do men think its okay to drag you into their shit lives knowing damn well their not over their ex? The answer is quite easy: Because they can... The bullshit men put us through us got my mind and soul destroyed... It’s simple... If you got baby momma/ex girlfriend dramas, if you’re not over it, if she’s still in your life, if you’re still stressing over her, if you still live with her, if you still talk to her family, DON’T TRY AND MEET ANYBODY ELSE UNTIL YOUR DONE WITH THAT!!! It’s seriously the worst shit ever you could do to another person... Why men think this is acceptable behavior is beyond me!!!
It’s like I have a flashing sign on my head for men who have mega dramas saying ‘Come f*ck with me, I like and need all of your drama’... The truth is, I just want to be left alone... I don’t go looking for these men; they just seem to find me.... 

In the last 3 weeks, I’ve deleted at least 3 guys off my radar... 3 out of 3 had ex dramas... 3 out of 3 hit on me... 3 out of 3 dragged me into their shit and played mad mind games knowing damn well they weren’t over their ex... It’s fair to say my mental health hasn’t been the best dealing with one joker after another... 



Where does one meet the guys who have no ex dramas? Am I being too hopeful of a stress free man? Am I being unrealistic in saying that it shouldn’t be too hard to just find a nice guy who won’t drag me into his shit then bounce or is this just a black girl curse? 

There are a lot of cold hard truths in this blog post but that’s the way it has to be... Ladies, who are reading this, please do as I say and not as I do... And fellas, if you’re reading this, all we ask is that you leave your ex behind and move forward with the good girls that come into your life... Don’t punish us for your ex’s mistakes; don’t be half arsed on your decision to move on or that you’re over her... Just be sure and know what you want... If it’s not us, tell us from the start and don’t waste our time.... It’s THAT Easy... 

Till next time... 


One love, one life x

Monday, September 3, 2012

Love Is Cursed By Technology Monogamy....

The problem with being a single black female in her late 20's is knowing exactly what to expect from the dating game and it's temporary males...

Sigh... I live in a place where there are few single men available... The type of guys I have to choose from in my area average at the least... Most have kids (not that there's anything wrong with that), a crazy ex baby momma, a psycho ex girlfriend/girlfriends,HAVE a girlfriend/girlfriends,  still live at home, and drink or smoke up like its going out of fashion... Not to mention, most have no idea how to approach women or engage in conversation without bringing up the size of my breasts or 'lets hook up' lines... YAWN

So with these choices of men, how do I manage to meet guys? Well the answer is I don't really... With a teenage brother in my care, it's not like I can go out and meet different people all the time so my choices for meeting people are on the off chance I go out, through friends or family or online (facebook, twitter etc)

Reality is, I won't meet any guy's in my local area anytime soon.. Here's the truth of the situation: I have zero interest in farmers and wannabe player BOYS that live where I live so I don't even bother... White boys, ya'll are nice but there's only so far I can go with you before my real self comes out, and that level of blackness can only be handled by a black man if we're being honest ... It's a level of comfortablity for a black woman that you get with black boys that a white boy could never understand... Sounds bad, but for me personally, I find it to be true...

It's like I have blurred vision with the men in my area, it's like they're invisible to me to the point that I don't even pay attention to anyone in my town or surrounding area because I already know what to expect....


So where does that leave me? I don't go looking for men, I have no interest in the opposite sex because of the shit I've been through with every guy in my past so I ignore them and go about my business as a single girl... To some this might be a sad situation but to me, I don't know any different and enjoy my own company so its normal for me,and i function as a single female just fine :)

With all the advancements in technology these days, this has also meant it is easier for guys to come in and out of my life when and how they want too.... The problem with this is, its easier to develop emotional attachments more so than just the physical attachment if using technology to meet different people.. Since I have no interest in men in my area, this has meant meeting people from all over, and more often than not, guys that are a long way away from me...

I have this bad habit (my friends will back me up on this) of meeting guys that live far away from me...  I invented a new philosophy earlier this year dubbed 'Replace faith with reality' where with every guy I meet I place all the cards out on the table with myself and have realistic expectations about them... So i asked myself, What's this guy like? What kind of guy is this? What will REALISTICALLY happen and what won't?!

Distance is one of those situations where I've been there, done that and it's never worked out but this doesn't stop me from talking to guys who are far away from me? Why? Well due to the fact that there aren't any guys close by that I'm attracted too in anyway, why wouldn't I talk to someone who's far away and who's half interesting? BUT in saying that, I'm realistic with my expectations these days with men who live far away from me..

Although technology has expanded our options in meeting someone from the opposite sex, it also has it's many downfalls... There's a trend that my girlfriends and I are starting to notice with guys we meet online... Fulla's, what is it about being able to hide behind a phone screen or a computer screen and talk to a girl for months on end but when it's time to meet up, some of you jam up?! Its very clear; you've either got a girlfriend and have been playing us the whole time or you've just been doing it to boost your own ego's or even better, you're just bitches.... Am I wrong with all the above ladies? I don't think so...

Either way, the women of today don't need that, we don't all put up with it... With so many options of ways to meet an talk to the opposite sex this day in age using technology, its so easy to cheat and have half arsed relationships with more than one person for both males and females... Anyone who says that's not true needs to wake up and smell the roses... Love is cursed by monogamy as Kanye says... So true...


This cat and mouse game that guys play with us isn't surprising to us women, its not disappointing it's simply just a reality we've become used too and the messed up thing is, most just accept that behavior because it's very rare that we'll ever get a guy that will challenge our theories. Most women don't know the world of NOT being messed around or being played by a guy, but that's the single game these days; technology has taken away the human aspect of people meeting people and all we are left with are unemotional men who see us as fantasies in their digital worlds...

For the fellas reading this (who am I kidding, no guy would want to read something from a chick who says shit straight, but Imma say it anyways), 'FELLAS, please understand that us women of the 21st century don't all want relationships, we aren't all looking to marry you or be your baby's new momma, sometimes all we want is what you want... Same expectations... For the modern woman, most of the time we're so sick and tired of the games that men play that all we do is play back and be done with you like you are done with us.... Is this a bad thing? Debatable... All I'm saying is, that it's do-able and we're not all clingy bitches with unrealistic expectations, some of us are just independent women and are fed up with men's shit behavior...

Then there's the issue of guys believing that girls over think things,  but what about men? For example, with these acquaintances that are at a distance from me, do they seriously think that because we talk everyday that my intention is to leave my life and move away to be with them; that I've fallen for them?! UMM NO! We don't always want to be your girlfriend and don't all demand a future from you, some of us 'replace faith with reality'.... Instead of freaking out and thinking the girl in your life is getting attached to you, lad's please use you're brains, stop stereotyping us as typical women wanting all from you, just calm down and go with the flow, GEEZZ!!

Men tend to run away or act like dogs as soon as they think us women are in too deep... All I'm saying is that some women of today don't expect anything from men because screw over after screw over has taught us that expectations only result in disappointments... When we replace faith with reality we see our intentions much more clearly.. 


I know there will be a lot of people who will debate and disagree with me on this but I know I'm not alone in the fact when I say 'we're not all looking for prince charming'... Plenty of my sister girls are in the same boat and I know they'll all be nodding their heads in agreement or at least starting to realize that there may be some truth to what I'm saying, even if they don't want to admit to it!

The problem is, I'm never looking for a man, they always seem to come into my life when I'm going good and don't want anybody... Note to anyone brave enough to take me on in the future: 'if you're going to enter my life and annoy me, then at least be a man about it and follow through with your intentions, if not, it's quite simple; just leave me alone... Either way, I'm good :)

Until next time,

One love, one life

Cee xo

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Radio... My Un-touchable Dream...

Radio has been some what of a life saver for me... It first came to me as a 17yr old student at my old high school, when a friend asked me to join her in a dodgy tent on the oval and do muck around commentary with her for the day... Since that day, I’ve done nothing but chase that goal of being on radio and getting to the next level in it each and every year... Before I started in the industry, I was just another black kid from the country without a goal, without any purpose... When radio found me and I found radio, my life changed and since then, radio continues to be the shining star in my unpredictable life. 

At the start of this month, I was lucky enough to be asked to host ABC Digital Radio’s ‘National NAIDOC week Breakfast show’ which saw me broadcast nationally between 8am-10am, Monday-Friday throughout NAIDOC week (National Aboriginal Islander Day of Celebration)... This was my first taste of on air radio in almost 2 years and it was glorious to say the least...

 
Radio, my passion, my industry is something I’ve had to walk away from in this past 1.5years after my mum passed away suddenly in 2010. I through in my jobs and moved back to my small regional home town with no quality radio stations close by to work at. My days consist of ways and plans to get off this island of boredom that is my home town. Why you might say? It was all for a bigger purpose, to  be my brother’s fulltime carer and I have absolutely no regrets in making the decision to walk away from the radio industry to raise him; this is the path I was meant to walk in life right now and I embrace it every day and am thankful that I have the privilege of raising him to be the best man he can be.... But before this role as his new guardian, I was a career woman and the career woman in me still yearns for purpose and still yearns to continue with her passion of radio.

See I have this dream that one day I will get back into the industry I love and start making radio again... A dream that will see me improve with each touch of the microphone, for hundreds if not thousands to hear what I say and enjoy my style, to be able to entertain and interact with total strangers over the airways and through the internet all because of the medium of radio. This is my dream... This is what I dream and hold onto every day and yet every day I feel that dream is so distant but yet so close at the same time?! 

When I tell people about my situation, I try to put it into perspective for them like this: What if tomorrow you were forced to walk away from the only job you knew how to do and loved and were cast into a small town away from opportunity and away from your chosen industry... What would you do? Would you give up on something you worked so hard to achieve in or would you hold onto hopes that one day soon, you will resume and flourish in it?

This dream comes in waves every now and then just like it did with my recent broadcast on ABC for NAIDOC week. My first taste of radio in almost 2 years and I was nervous, but I had the opportunity to work with two amazing producers and had free reign over who I wanted to interview and what stories I wanted to run; all stories and guest who I am passionate about and on a week I’m so proud to be a part of as an Aboriginal person... It was all a dream come true in itself. 



The anticipation leading up to the broadcast felt like I was starting my very first day on radio again. It had been so long since I touched a microphone, I was doubting myself; would I be able to do it again, would the nerves get the better of me, would I choke, would I have blank moments on air, what will my family and friends think of my new style, and would I be out of my depth in this new style of radio I’ve never done full time before? All of these things came into play but my best bet was to trust my producers and to try and remember everything I knew about radio and paid a lot of money to learn about when I graduated as the first Indigenous Radio graduate ever from the Australian Film Television and Radio school. I had to trust myself and revise over my old books, relearn the tricks and start to practice my style again... Pitch, projection and pace Carly... Just breathe, just do it... 

It was like I was preparing myself for a fight... A fight between myself, my self belief and others expectations.  Radio is frightening but so enjoyable. The thrill of live radio is like nothing you can experience until you’re sitting in that presenters chair in a studio by yourself, ready to open your mouth and speak to thousands on national radio... It’s at that moment when you’re trying to calm your nerves and your mind and only have one goal in mind; SPEAK WITHOUT MESSING UP WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO SAY!!! Easier said than done but I did it... 2hrs a day for 5 days straight, I did what I thought I had lost in these last 2 years... RADIO!

This is my 8th year in the radio industry... Although I don’t do it full time anymore, the small bouts of radio I do get to do, whether it be producing for a few days here and there, teaching radio to Indigenous participants in communities every so often or being able to do a week on air for NAIDOC week still keeps me involved in the industry... I have a radio family with many of my friends working as producers, announcers, editors and aspiring journalists all around the country and I am so proud to know each and every one of them... A deadly nomination, a graduate diploma of radio and now a national NAIDOC show on digital radio under my belt, I know I still have a long way to go in this industry and hope that one day I’ll get back to doing it full time. 



It’s so funny... I came off such a high from doing the NAIDOC show, and had a lot of people asking me ‘What’s gonna happen now? Did you get any job offers, are you gonna do more work with them etc? The answer is no... The wonderful bosses in Sydney all gave me some constructive criticism and some great feedback and I learned A LOT in those two weeks, but right now the reality is there is no work going... I came back to my quiet life, back to my quiet home town after a week of appearing on national websites, being on national radio and meeting and speaking to some of Australia’s most influential Indigenous identities because that’s the reality I face every day... I can’t do the job I love full time because this path I’m walking right now requires me to sort my own life out before I can return to my career... That means making a move to another town for my brother and I so I can get some sort of work (even if it’s not in my industry) until a job in radio hopefully comes up that will suit my brother and I uprooting our lives and moving for... Until that day, this is my reality and radio is but an untouchable dream in the distance.

Thanks to everyone who tweeted me, facebook messaged me, text me, and let me interview them while I as on air for NAIDOC week... Thank you to the ABC for giving me such a huge opportunity and continuing to believe in my talents. I appreciated every bit of feedback, every bit of help from my producers and bosses and every message that came through from family, friends and strangers supporting me in what was one of the hardest but one of the most excitable two weeks of my life. 



My next radio work comes in the form of teaching a few days in Coffs Harbor through my old school and I’m excited to meet the participants and can’t wait to share the love of radio with other like minded people in the industry at the end of the month... 

Until then,

One love, one life... x

Friday, June 15, 2012

The Switch up- The moments between faith and reality....



A few months ago, I wrote about an occurrence that tends to happen in the dating game these days that I like to call ‘The Switch up’. It seems a lot of women have experienced this ‘Process’ as I like to think of it as, and aren’t quite sure how to stop it... For those who haven’t read the ‘Replace faith with reality’ blog, (see January archive on this blog page) here’s a reminder of what the switch up is all about...

The switch up isn’t necessarily a thing it’s more of a process.... A process of when you first meet a guy and the butterflies set it... You’re interested but you’ve still got your options open... The process usually starts when you’re both texting everyday and getting to know one another... When he’s pursuing you, texting, calling, when he’s saying every line in the book and making promises that you know deep down he won’t keep... You might go out on a few dates or have even moved onto the sexy time stage... After a few days/weeks of this, you start to catch feelings for someone you never even thought you would and it’s at this stage that ‘The Switch up’ happens; you become interested, he knows your interested and then BOOM, just like that, he's lost interest and is onto the next one....

Since realizing there is such a thing as the ‘The switch up’ and making it known to my girls and other sisters out there that read my blog, I’ve gotten a huge response about how brutal it can be... They say knowledge is power, but to me it’s kind of a burden because the worst part about knowing about the switch up, is waiting for the switch up to happen. Talk about buzz killer!

I got asked by a dear friend the other day who can see the switch up is upon her, ‘what do I do to stop the switch up’? THIS my friends, is a good question... How is it that that we know the switch up is going to happen but yet we still fall victim to it each and every time? The answer is simple: Hormones and emotions...

I strongly believe that the only thing that separates us women from the men today, besides the obvious body parts, is hormones and emotions... I curse them every day. See us women of the 21st century do nearly if not all of the things men do. We support ourselves, work hard and play hard just like men do, but when it all comes down to it, I hate to say, our weakness is in our physical make ups; we catch feelings easier than men, making us the victims of the switch up earlier than our male counter parts would. It’s not an opinion, it’s just a fact; our womanly make up’s are the factor behind why we get caught up and played... If we didn’t have these emotions or hormones, we’d be just as heartless and cold and we’d be the ultimate slayers of the switch up process.



We can’t stop the switch up from happening... It will happen 99% of the time in this day in age, why? Because we live in a generation of not being in love... The key is to find that 1% that will defy the entire meaning of ‘The switch up’ (I’m still searching for that 1%) The dating game has changed so much that it seems no one actually ‘dates’ anymore...

Ladies, ask yourself this, how do you meet guys now days? Whether it’s through friends, work, Facebook, online etc? Now think, how often does this occur? Do you meet guys every week, monthly, once every few months? And here’s something to really make you think; when was the last time you actually went out with a guy? (not including meeting up at a club for a drink) When was the last time a guy actually suggested coffee/lunch or dinner? (Who wasn’t gay or one of your mates?)

It seems shows like ‘Sex and the city’ have people bamboozled into thinking that dating actually happens all the time... FALSE! The dating game today is BRUTAL... The women I know today aren’t going out every week meeting different guys, going on coffee dates every week, texting a bunch of guys and trying to decide which night we should schedule each one on (some probably do, I’m not a player hater, good for them) but I’m talking about the majority here and for the majority of us single ladies, all of that just doesn’t happen on a regular basis like it does on those kind of shows or how society makes it out to be. I know I don’t paint a good picture of the dating game, but I’m being realistic... Maybe I’m just going for the wrong guys, maybe it’s just me, but the constant calls from my girlfriends who are experiencing the same thoughts and experiences like I am with ‘dating’, tell me I’m right in saying that nobody ‘dates’ like they used to anymore.



I should point out that I got asked to dinner by a nice guy the other week. I said no, why? Because I simply wasn’t interested in him. Why is it that the ones we like never like us back and the ones that like us, we are never interested in? Us women are hard to please (understatement) but me personally, I’m not going to go out for dinner with a guy I’m not interested in for the sake of ‘Dating’ or putting myself out there... It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to me... I know my type, I know what I like and what I don’t like, is this such a bad thing to not want to drop my standards all in the sake of going out on a date? I’m still learning and I try not to be too closed off, (beggar’s can’t be choosers as they say) but to go to dinner and pretend to enjoy the company of a guy I know I won’t want to pursue, just isn’t right...

I’m a sucker for a guy I can’t have, who isn’t, and us women like the chase just as much as a guy does but there comes a point where we just wanna say: ‘DEAR GUY I’M CHASING... I’M SICK OF CHASING NOW... I’VE SHOWED INTEREST IN YOU, DON’T PLAY GAMES, EITHER YOU’RE INTERESTED OR YOU'RE NOT, IF YOU ARE, STOP THIS TEASING SHIT, MAN UP AND JUST ASK A SISTER OUT’... Yep, it’s that easy... Well at least it should be...

I’m still working out how to stop the ‘Switch up’ so unfortunately I can’t give you any answers on this just yet ladies, but all I can say is, the moments before the switch up, in between faith and reality are the greatest of feelings, so enjoy that shit to the last tee... Try to keep a level head and remember to always replace faith with reality... Until next time...

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Weight Loss and Me, 9 weeks later...

In these past 9 weeks, I’ve gone through the many lows and the highs of a weight loss journey.

As of today, I’ve lost a total of 8.5kgs with my new lifestyle of healthy eating and exercising... No tricks, no gimmicks, just good old fashioned hard work and dedication. I wish I could say it’s been easy but when I embarked on this mission 9 weeks ago, I went into it wanting to change my life and it’s only now that I’m feeling like that might actually happen... It’s been FAR from easy....

Even though I’m down 8.5kgs, I still don’t believe it... I see myself in the mirror everyday so I don’t see much of a change unlike family and friends who all say they are starting to see the effects... As good as it is to hear from your family and friends ‘Oh you’ve lost weight or you’re looking well’, I still want to be able to tell myself that and see it with my own two eyes...

 My goal is ultimately to lose 20-25kgs... Yes, before you say anything, I DO have an extra 20-25kgs to lose and when I lose it, I WON’T be a stick or an unhealthy weight, I’ll be at my healthy BMI weight (body mass index for those who aren’t playing the same health game as me)... 25 kilo’s was a big goal I set myself when I began this weight loss journey and I didn’t think that it was possible, but over these past few weeks of pushing myself to exhaustion every day, to adjusting to a new diet and life style, I can see that If I want it bad enough, I will work my arse off (literally) to get there and maybe, just maybe will achieve my ultimate weight loss goal...
I’m not pushing myself to say I will get there in the next 2 months... This journey that I’m on isn’t a 12 week challenge, it’s not a fad; I plan on doing this for the rest of my life... The weight took a lifetime to put on and isn’t going to come off over night... I’ve given myself to September to have lost at least 15kilo’s... Why so late? I guess I just want to leave room for error and for general life struggles that I will no doubt face along the way that will affect my training or eating... This isn’t being negative, this is being realistic about what can and won’t happen...

The hardest thing so far has been the adjustment to a new lifestyle... Of getting up every day, sometimes earlier than I need to be up, in order to get my work out done... Balancing my food and discovering what works for my body and what doesn’t... It’s still trial and error in that department.... I’ve had tears in the process, successes along the way, many downs, sore muscles, aches and pains, good food and bad, training sessions that have me on the brink of death, but in the end I have managed to drop 8.5kgs in 9 weeks, the most weight I’ve ever lost in my life... The good news is, I’m getting faster and stronger every day, and I can go shopping without craving junk food...

The biggest thing so far is becoming educated about healthy foods and the general nutrition side of a healthy life style... Weight loss is succeeded not with slogging it out at the gym or jogging every day, but with what we’re eating... It’s true that we’re so naive about what we put into our bodies, because we simply don’t know what we’re doing... It really does come back to education about nutrition and the all round affects of each individual food we CHOSE to put into our bodies....

One of the hardest things to give up has been alcohol, but it doesn’t mean I’ve gone completely without... I’ve just replaced those carbed up, calorie loaded beers that I used to drink with low calorie Vodka, soda and lime drinks when I’ve needed too... I’ve been able to say no to family and friends about drinking heavily or going out and having blinder nights like I used too, and yes, it has made me seem a little boring and made me the sober driver each and every time, but my choices are exactly that, choices... I can chose to drink and get smashed for the night and have a mad night, or I can chose to resist the urge and temptation and stay sober and win on the scales in the next week.... The results speak for themselves...

I didn’t believe my cousins when they told me they can see my weight loss in and around my face and waist... Even though the scales say a lower number and the tape measure says a few inches down, I didn’t believe my own achievement until I tried on a pair of my old shorts the other day and nearly had to reach for my belt because they were lose. This is the first taste of real success that I have felt since beginning and it felt goooodddd.... I got so used to just out growing my old clothes that I never really kept any of them anymore because I never thought I’d fit them again... It sounds so cliché but it’s the little wins like this that make it all worth it....

I still don’t have a gym membership or someone here to motivate me everyday... It’s a battle of the body and the brain every morning to be able to self motivate myself to get out of bed, throw on my gym clothes and work out on whatever I’ve got here at home... I’ve reached the stage where I’m craving a workout and feeling guilty if I haven’t put in as much work as I know I should’ve...

I still have a very long way to go and it’s not going to happen over night... I only dropped half a kilo this week... I am disappointed but I know I can’t be because my training and eating weren’t on point like it has been these past few weeks... It’s true, what you get out is what you put in... No excuses... Just choices....

Everything we do or don’t do is a step closer or a step further away from our goals.... Every day and every week is a chance to change your life and to be honest, this weight loss is probably the only success I seem to be having in my life right now and I’m more focused every time I take a hit on the scales to get back up and do it again, because failure isn’t an option with my weight anymore... I can’t let it be...

I’m ready to lace up my fluro orange nike runners and get my training done for the day... Thank you to all of those who have encouraged me and congratulated me on my efforts so far... Without the support of my family and friends, I probably would’ve given up a long time ago... A special shout out to my girls Noella, Nerida and Kodie who have heard me bitch and whinge about my loss and struggles and who have offered support in the ways of diet, workout advice and general sister to sister advice.. Love and appreciate you three forever....

 Anyways, enough talk, more action... Until next time... Train insane...


One love, one life

 -Cee- X

Monday, April 23, 2012

Girl Interrupted.............


So the relationship you wanted didn’t work out... You’ve replaced faith with reality and moved on from that guy who broke your heart... Months have gone by, you’ve deleted him off your facebook, deleted his number, talked to other guys in between and made a promise to yourself that you’re over him and are moving on with your life...

You’re at that stage in your life where you’re doing well and are back to your feeling like your old self before the stabbing of the heart and the ripping up of whatever little bit of love you had to give occurred... It’s at this point, I’d like to know exactly what kind of freaky ass pheromones do us women give out that makes men from our past want to come back into our lives and screw with our brains again after coming so far....

Girl interrupted couldn’t be any truer... See the thing about us women is we cop a lot of shit from men.... ALOT, but somehow we seem to be able to move on to some extent and live our lives one day at a time and deal with heartbreak like champions (well some of us do, most of the time)... It’s like men know... It’s like they can smell our success and our climbing self esteem and want to jump back on board and beat us back down again... Why? For a sense of control? Their low self esteem? Their lack of love and respect for themselves or is it simply because they can?

Why do we let exes back into our lives? This continuous game of cat and mouse with each other is exhausting but maybe we just want to show each other that we’re capable of a life without each other... We’re a funny bunch, women and men; we play games without even knowing it and some of us play with the intention to break hearts or to prove to ourselves that we can resist temptation from those who once held our heart in their hands, and some of us play to take back the control they once held over us... Either way, it’s a dangerous game to play, yet we’re in it even if we don’t mean to be...


Is it just coincidence that men from our past return in our lives right at the point where we are enjoying our lives without them? Just when you’re over it, BOOM, they make a return and I sit here and wonder why... The most obvious answer is that it’s to test you to see if you’ve learnt anything from your past mistakes... Will you give in to temptation and all their playing ways again, or will you resist and persist with your new path without them?

Easier said than done...

Here’s the real answer... They haven’t come back into your life because they miss you and want to be with you... If they wanted that, they wouldn’t of let you go in the first place... The truth is, they’ve returned because they are bored and have no real options left in their ‘woman bank’... They’ve exhausted all their options, broken other’s hearts in the time it took you to get over them, and are now returning because they simply have no one else to turn too... Harsh but true... Men are physical creatures and it would be dumb to think that their simply returning because they miss you and want to be with you...

Again, I’m just replacing faith with reality and being truthful to myself and using my experience from the past to see clearly the intentions of the one who once broke my heart.... Turns out, he has no apologies and is planning to do it all over again, only this time, I can see it coming...

I turned 27 a week and a half ago and I see age both as a blessing and as a negative.... A blessing because I’m getting better at reading men and all their game playing tactics and it’s a negative because with age, I’m also losing trust for more and more men as the years go on... The more games, the more heartaches means the less love I’m willing to give....On a positive note, I’ve still got a lot of love to give, but it won’t be given to just anyone anymore...

To all the sisters out there wishing they didn’t have to deal with their exes... I’m hearing you, but let’s face them together... Replace faith with reality, be honest and learn your lessons... Take back the control and free yourself from their bullshit...


Until next time...

One love, one life... x

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Weight loss and me.... Starting now!

I know it’s cliché, but since I can remember, I’ve always been a bigger girl... It’s never really affected me much, because it’s all I’ve ever known... I’ve been called names and all that bullsh*t but always shrugged it off because I am happy in my skin and don't really give a shit what most people think about me...

The thing with weight loss is, there’s always a reason why you want to do it... Some people do it for love (I’ve had the privilege of being with some fine ass men in my life span, a lot with hot bodies; 6 packs etc so my weights never stopped me there ;) some do it because they want to buy better clothes (this is one of my reasons for beginning my weight loss journey, but not the most important one)... Some do it because it’s cool to work out (I’m cool regardless so that’s never been an issue either lol), and some do it because they just want to get healthy and fit and live their life with more energy (THIS is my reason for my weight loss journey)...

I bought a treadmill in May last year and used it for all of 10 weeks on and off, then traveled a lot, got sick and made excuses like anybody else... The treadmill sat for months on end in my lounge room collecting dust while I sat on the couch and ate all the wrong foods and chose laziness and dealing with my own emotional demons over using a $1000 machine that ultimately gave me pain whenever I used it, so the training stopped...

I resigned from my job in the education system in December after I got back from my trip to America because I wasn’t happy... Currently I am in a forced situation in my life that I can’t change immediately. I want more than anything to move to the closest city away from the regional town that I am in, but face the challenge of having a low income, a brother who I care for who is in high school who my decisions will ultimately affect when we move, and a house full of my deceased mother’s life processions which are now mine to go through and part with before that move can even happen... Moving towns is going to happen and needs to happen in order for my salvation and sake of mind as a 26 year old to get back to doing every day normal things like being able to go to the movies, the beach and have more opportunities with work and for my brothers future, but reality is, it will be a slow process until that can all happen...

I’m not going to lie, since being back from America, the last 3 months have gotten me down so much that I feel I haven’t gotten anywhere in the past year. I’ve been dealt a card in life that I have no control over and my life has been in limbo for just over 12 months now. My old life of radio, working, succeeding, and growing has taken a back seat to sitting, waiting, raising my little brother, having patience and being on a tight income. I don’t know how and why I came to be in my current situation but I try not to complain and I just know that it all happened for a reason and situations are only ever temporary and things will change for the better soon... They have too...

Sitting here in this quiet house everyday has me searching for things to do that will occupy my usually creative brain. Radio work is on hold as the nearest decent radio station is 1.5hrs away and doesn’t have much work to give me as yet and normal jobs aren’t something that interests me after years of working in radio and working my way up through the industry I love... Not that I'm too good to just do any job, but I want to work in radio again, I've worked very hard to achieve everything in the radio industry and working in other jobs since being back home has reminded me that I still want to work in radio more than anything else. Until I can go through my mother’s belongings (she had A LOT of stuff) before moving, and until radio work comes through for me, I sat here thinking of ways to change my life and I’ve used drawing, painting and basket weaving to stop myself from getting into any stages of depression with my current situation. This has worked up until now and in the meantime, my treadmill and $150 joggers have sat in my lounge room waiting for me to make the decision; the decision to get off my ass and start to change my life.

I have achieved so much in my 26 years on the planet and pride myself of my success and determination I have to improve myself every day, but I can honestly say that weight loss is the thing I have never been to fully achieve and it has been something that has irked me every day since I can remember.

I hate excuses and people who use them, and I’m not one of those people so I will be honest and just say this: My weight gain over the years has steamed from being a shy girl growing up, being lazy, having low self esteem, not playing enough sports as a child, living a media lifestyle of bad food and less exercise, working too much instead of looking after myself, living a student lifestyle of ‘eat what you can afford’, to living back in a regional town where I sink in and out of depression dealing with the loss of my mother and throwing in the only life I knew to become a carer for my little brother (no regrets) and having to start a new life basically as some of the main points of my weight gain. Not much, but I guess all of those reasons have been contributing factors to get to the point I’m at now...

I can say that I am happy with the way I look and I’ve grown to love myself over the years... Although I always had the desire to look and feel thinner, (who doesn’t) but I’ve never known that world of being slim, therefore I don’t know what I’ve missed out on... I also have never allowed myself to hate any part of myself because I find low self esteem is an issue with Indigenous girls/women as it is, and I didn’t want to be ‘one of THOSE Girls who hated herself for how she looked, therefore I never have... Yeah I have flaws, I have hips, thighs and ass, but in my eyes, I am me, this is all I’ve got to work with in life, so I might as well love myself for who I am instead of hating myself...

I don’t know what made me do it... Maybe it was the extra 2kgs I put on while I was in America after I was eating American food, or maybe it was the fact that my bra was digging in a little too much for my liking, but 20 days ago, I embarked on a journey that I’ve wanted to take all my adult life, a proper weight loss journey.
I see weight loss and a healthy lifestyle as something that I am unable achieve therefore something I want to achieve. I’ve always worked hard to get everything I’ve received in my life so far, from the graduate diploma, to the good job, to the man, to the money but yet weight loss has beaten me every time. I’ve tried the weight loss thing before and have never been able to sustain the lifestyle that is needed for you to ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY keep it up, so this time I’m doing things differently.... I don’t have a gym membership (I can’t afford one on my income), I don’t have a personal trainer (I can’t afford one), I don’t have protein powders and weight loss supplements (I can’t afford any), all I have is my dusty ‘ready to ride’ treadmill, my joggers, a $10 exercise ball, $10 palates mat, and a set of 5kg dumb bells borrowed from my dad... The hardest thing is mentally trying to work out HOW and why I’m doing this when I’m running and walking and throwing around weights every morning and the simple answer is I just want to get fit...

The thing I have in my favor right now is time. While I’m not working, while I’m sorting my life out, bit by bit, week by week, I have all the time in the world and that’s why I’ve started my weight loss journey and a journey it is... I’ve literally changed my lifestyle and it all sounds very text book, but really, all I’ve done is change my eating habits by researching what foods I need and don’t need, cut out everything processed/packaged and am only eating clean and healthy meals, no sugar/sweets, snacking 3 times a day on healthy food, plus 3 main meals a day in breakfast, lunch and dinner, keeping a food diary, lowering my calorie intake, drinking shit loads of water, and exercising for at least 40mins a day using my treadmill, exercise ball work, mixed with sit ups on my palates mat, lunges down my hallway, squats in front of my TV and dumbbell curls and drop down exercises... Yup, the hard, slogging it out, and eating the right things way of weight loss...

Two of my best mates, Noella (An exercise physiologist) and Nerida (a body builder competitor) are my two main sources of food and exercise knowledge and have been there from day one encouraging me on this journey. The thing I tell myself every day is ‘EARN IT like you’ve earned everything else in your life’... Hard work and determination is the key. I started my journey 20 days ago and although I’m seeing small results on the scales (3.5kgs lost so far), I am happy with how I am feeling more than anything and aren’t putting huge pressures on myself when it comes to numbers ...

Every day I look forward to cooking healthy meals and see the food I am putting into my body as fuel now and not something that I necessarily crave. I wake up WANTING To train, and have started to love running which I never thought I would say. I’m getting stronger and faster on a daily basis and am breaking personal bests with my training and am starting to learn how to balance my eating in conjunction with my exercise, although it’s all still a daily challenge. I’m making better eating choices and am not giving into the temptations of family feasts, or lazy weekends (all the things that have failed me in past weight loss attempts)... This time, I’m just taking it at my own pace, loving and embracing the life of being fit and healthy, enjoying my exercise and making the right decisions for myself and how I feel overall; this to me is success, living and working towards a goal.

It will take a long time to see real results but I’m told that half the battle is sticking with it and maintaining the lifestyle which is all I’m trying to achieve at this point in the journey. They call weight loss a journey because you definitely go through a cycle of ups and downs and good days and bad days, but in the end, I just want to be able to prove to myself that I can achieve this goal like the rest of the goals I’ve achieved in life...

One of the biggest challenges so far is saying no to family and friends... No I can’t eat that, no I can’t go anywhere till I do my training, no I can’t have that usual cup of coffee when I come to visit... Some friends and family can’t understand this new lifestyle but I've put it down to some just not liking change... When they see others changing around them for themselves, it’s a reminder that maybe they have a few changes in their own lives that they are yet to over come... The biggest thing I am learning to do is take advice from those who are supportive and actually know what they are talking about, instead of those negatives who just want to give their opinion on ‘what to do and what not to do’ even though they may lead unhealthy lifestyles them selves... My girls Nerida and Noella and all my fit life peeps on twitter are keeping me focused and that’s all I need...

It’s early days yet and I have a long way to go, but it’s important that I write this blog to remind myself that I can do better and I can earn it and I can achieve it. Small goals are good goals right now and I’m getting there, one day at a time like everything else I’ve had to overcome in the past year.... The positive is, I’m the best I’ve ever felt physically in a long time and it can only get better ...

Until next time...

One love, one life

-CEE- xoxo